Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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