i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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