he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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