That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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