I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
