I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
