if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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