We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
