Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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