Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
