3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
