At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
