you would pick up someone in the library
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
