Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
