he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
