His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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