Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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