No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
