I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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