apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
