Say something about gay babies.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
