4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you win again, gameday.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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