so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
