also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
