Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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