Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
