yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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