This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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