thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
