I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
