Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
