I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
