It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize