I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
