i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
