guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
