my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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