On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
