My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
