awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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