every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
