im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
