I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
