we're blogging at a bar
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
