I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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