his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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