Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
