My first STD was from a foam party
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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