Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
