His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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