The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
