who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
