I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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