im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
