Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
