WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
